Who Am I Now?


I’ve been writing a lot, just not on this blog. I live many lives, and if I were to summarize it all, I’d say that I’m a researcher with great ideas in a burgeoning field of study, a tenor saxophone player with the most amazing band of friends that one could hope for, and a revolutionary stewarding my influence for a revolution that started over 2000 years ago. I’m becoming who I always thought I was.

I’m an Asian-American, daughter of immigrants. This was my earliest acknowledgement of identity. I must’ve known this about myself as early as kindergarten. I was also a Buddhist back then, a history that I discuss more in this article.

I remember being told about the details of my destiny given Buddhist spiritual mediums. People were encouraged to call me by my American name, b/c it had spiritual leverage to make me a person of strength. My Chinese name, on the other hand, had the spiritual context of bad relationships. I vaguely remember being told by one spiritual medium that I had wisdom, and in a past life, had written part of some bible. The following conclusions arise:

  1. this is shallow superstition and any correlation is coincidental
  2. they were right
  3. this is some self-fulfilling prophecy– I think; therefore, I am.

Well, whether the cause or coincidence, I’d say that any life struggles that these fortunes conveyed, may have been true at one point, but are no longer. I’ve finally found my place of victory, and, knowing who I am, I reap from the rewards of this inevitable happy ending.

I sort of told this story here, but the story of my salvation will need to go into another article. More relevantly, when I was 10 years old, the foundation of my true identity was laid down for me. In my most defining God moment, I heard 3 things in regards to why I should live:

  1. That life is only futile, if you live for fleeting moments– that I gain my life, the moment I can let it go.
  2. That I was given a unique message that will be released to the world when it’s time– something that only I was created to carry and something I may never fully understand.
  3. That there will be others, and, perhaps, I was to help find the others.

This moment was rekindled about a year ago, explained here:

In that moment God was commending me in regards to this promise that I’d forgotten. That in the midst of all that had happened to me in life, despite how often and severely the world tried to crush me, I protected the one thing that God had given me. The world had taken everything, all my friends, material possessions,  and family. The world continued to cut me down and played all the odds against me. The one thing the world couldn’t take from me was the only thing I had left, everything else was gone or dead. This world is after that message, and God was showing me that it’s there, vividly and safe. He was telling me, that I’d made it.

It is SO satisfying to be able to sit here right now and tell the world that I have made it!

I always had a special relationship with God ever since I was 10, but it wasn’t until the end of college that I met people who were keenly aware of this greater sense purpose that I’d received.

During the McNair Summer Research Program in 2005, I sat in on a session about our identities lead by a psychologist, who happened to be a Christian. He was brought in as a friend of the program director, who was also a strong Christian woman.

About a week later, the director, in her office, said that the psychologist had called her very concerned about one of her scholars. He woke up in a cold sweat one night having been somehow informed one of us was heavily demon oppressed. Uh, she thought he’d identify one of the other students, but, actually, it was me.

The program director was no dummy; she has a PhD in English and a PhD in Linguistics from University of Toronto, a top 5 institution in the world for her area (the only person I know with 2 PhDs). Her opinions are worth their weight in gold, so for her to tell me this was petrifying.

This was my re-acquaintance with matters of the supernatural.

I ended up going to a house church and working through my spiritual past with this charismatic Christian woman and her friend, who I later found out is allegedly quite prophetic.

At one of her house meetings was a man from out of town. He taught on the “new wine,” an interpretation that I’d never heard before. I think I bought what he had to say (I mean mentally, not monetarily). After the meeting, he went around “prophesying” with his team. At the time, I’d never been prophesied over, and I wouldn’t have even known what to call it.

I was feeling quite “oppressed” by life or demons or whatever the cause. You can imagine how unimpressed I was when this blonde girl, not too much older than me, came up to tell me that God wants me to smile more. ::rolls eyes::

Soon after, the man who taught pointed right at me and said the following:

You are a distance runner. You were made to run into the ring of leaders, and you are gonna be a doctor.

I think he stated something about my influence, but I currently can’t find what I’d written down about it. My initial reaction is vivid though:

  1. I’m not very good at running
  2. I’m not a leader
  3. I don’t want to study medicine

I think I must’ve received this word in 2005 or 2006. Looking back now, the accuracy of these statements of my identity is quite uncanny.

Things pick up again in 2009, where this idea of receiving “words” and prophecy goes from novelty to commonplace reality. (to be continued)

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